Inside my head

To all the little children,

I know children could be mean creatures at times, but most of the time these are the reflections of children who do not really understand anything about the world. They don't understand their sexuality their actions, their dreams or hopes. Why do we punish children for all the bad things they do? When it's all our fault anyway? A friend of mine said about a young boy the age of four that she despised because the child was peeking her while she was bathing and the child pinched her boobs saying that it was kinda big. Does a four year old understand the concept of rape? It knows sexuality but it doesn't understand that what he is doing is wrong. You can't blame the mother either, its just a child. I grew up in a family where the women 'pretend' to care for babies and love them and discard them as soon as they reach the age of four. Every age is special and what's special about it is that it only comes once in that person's life. They need to be told that they are loved. That God loves them more than any adult. In Islam there is no concept that if a child dies that go into limbo if they don't get baptised. If a child dies, these children go to heaven because they remain in their purest state of innocence. It is the same with the mentally insane and the mentally challenged. Although these three dependent kinds are scorned by society ( I used to know a woman who hated mentally challenged people because she thinks they're digusting if they're horny, if Islam and God does exist, the mentally challenged person's going to get the last laugh). The question is why?
Humans when they have achieved even the smallest speck of intelligence, brawn and independence tend to think that they are the masters of the universe when after all if something happened to us we need the support and existence of others to help us. We flock towards women who don't understand the needs of children but we shun those who actually have a real heart. What is rare nowadays IS Love but not the love we know so easily about. The stuff that makes Romeo and Juliet. Cheating hearts and the rest. What is rare is true kindness towards another human being, towards a child a mentally ill person or a mentally challenged person. Persons of physical disability. These are the rarest of them all to find anyone truly wholeheartedly giving out kindness to humanity. Those who deserve these kindnesses rarely are given kindness but those who need no kindnesses at all are often given kindness they do not deserve.

Posted by Lee at 11:49 pm | Permalink | Comments

My friend Mai sent me to this group at myspace they called themselves MelayuKiri. It means Malay Leftist. I was just talking about that just now, about PAS being sexist. The problem is then now is UMNO, what's so funny about it is that although this controversial party remains in power they have been providing adequately for most Malaysians including free healthcare and education. Its the same agenda in Brunei as well, many leftists claim the same things but the government also provides for free healthcare and education. The cost of living overseas without even a hunch of healthcare and education could get you into serious debt. Communism isn't a bad thing when it first began as socialism. Before Lenin died he cursed the edicts of communism as it became more elitist and protecting the leaders' own skins than those they were deemed to protect. What most people don't realize that it doesn't need the government to provide the 'extras' along the way. The first thing of concern for communism or socialism is the providence and sanctuary of the people. Commoners and the poor. Capitalism is then avoided to provide for these power as distribution will come out equally. But what most communists do not realize is that by being busily capturing the government as in the case of Russia the people are the ones who are dying and becoming poor. Capitalism brings in money to provide for the welfare of everyone, although poverty exists in capitalism it is to a lesser extent than the poverty that exists because of communism. The problems and deaths caused by Eastern Germany did not protect the happiness and equality of everyone. Help does and can exist within the edicts of capitalism, infact it can work like magic. How u ask? Zakat. The payment of Zakat will provide for the poor. These are taxes levied on wealth according to Islam. For every possession there is a tax carried on them. This includes women's jewelry for example. If a piece of jewelry is not worn even once in a year's time it is obliged as Zakat in small payments a few cents and dollars. Cattle, transport, why not? These are wealth that should be shared with the poor. Not just for the state. The funny thing about Melayukiri is that they're so capitalist its so unliberal.

Posted by Lee at 4:45 am | Permalink | Comments

It was ayu's b'day today. Sometimes I wish my family was more like my friends. That is impossible. I need to write a whole book about this dysfunctional family and hope it'll be a best seller. Could it be that families are a joke? Although it is true that most families go through transitions and in slow acceptance become n'sync and comfortable with the harm that comes with family gatherings. My mother came from a matriarchal household. I know patriarchal households are just as equally problematic Im saying probably the issue lies in it NOT being in the middle. Extreme matriarchy isn't the answer either, it seemed at the ends of patriarchy goes hand in hand with incest problems (in the West) but dealt with practically in the East like in Japan where patriarchy does hold true. In Who Stole Feminism? Sommers talked about patriarchal societies being equally successful in raising females with higher marks which isn't so evitably true in America (it being the place of suffrage, Gertrude Stein and radical feminism). It is true female oriented subjects that focus on how the woman feels seems to degrade women instead, it is as if isolating girls from boys we are creating even more stupid girls in the answer for blatant feminism. Not just that, manners in which feminist ideals are being placed on seems actually very rude. Sometimes I come across real life comic stories such as those published in the Reader's Digest and this elderly man told a joke in which it involved him with a young woman. He held the door for the young lady and the young lady shouted at him and said 'Thanks for nothing you fucking chauvinist pig!' What does that mean exactly? It didnt actually reflect basic human manners. Sometimes, I think I am so Westernized that I read into things that aren't actually there. I make a million deep interpretations getting off the point of truth. Does it necessitate that him being a well mannered person opening the door for somebody mean sexual descension? Is it me or are there just stupider versions and notions of feminism that are going out of the door. Celebration of uniqueness and all that. We are specializing our own gender to the extent that we need special things for our 'special' needs. Its the worship of the vagina. We are already as late as it is we shouldn't have the time to worship the vagina as male predecessors had time to worship their phalluses.
This stemming from my own experiences. In Islam there is a concept, as Muhammad SAW once said, heaven lies under the feet of women. In Hindu custom, touching the feet of the parent is the symbol of reverence and love. It is loyalty to one's own parents (in law or own). Although Muhammad SAW had a tendency for double meanings. The mother although a symbol of reverence when bad could crush the door to heaven itself. It isn't necessarily the literal heaven, it could also mean morality as well as being a person. In my mother's family this was more of a demand than it was a tradition. In my mother's family it was regardless whether the mother was wrong, what was important was that the child listened to the wishes of the mother. Dear Lord, if I ever listened to my mother I would never ever pursue my studies so vehemently. I would definitely not read everything, see everything and learn everything. When I was a little girl I told my mother I wanted to be a psychologist, unknown to her parts of science and psychology was the source of some works of earlier Muslims during the Golden Age of Islam. As I said Islam nowadays in some parts are as backwards as ever. She said that it is stupid and that people only needed prayer. Although it is true that some psychologists propagate faith and prayer as part of their mental exercise and therapy but this required understanding faith as well as expounding it within the dictates of medical science. If a Muslim should ever forget that modernity and science is part of Islam's own key of characteristic they should reflect back on the achievements of their predecessors that they idolize so much. In the states of PAS universities are being held back, female professors are forced to retire. What PAS (an Islamic Political Party in Malaysia) is so smart about is that they are not providing jobs for women, I don't pretend to be an expert but I incidentally stumbled across a part of the Al Quran which states that every child needed to be breastfed for at least two years, or fed with any milk substitute in this case of meaning and that when the parent hires a wet nurse she is not in sin. A wet nurse is a description of a woman's job. And it would be very uncommon for a Muslim woman to hire a non-Muslim to breastfeed her child and pay her for her services. Women's jobs catered for women not men and a teacher to a man need not be a sexual figure. We are talking about people who poke vaginas for a living, doctors, gynaecologists. Muslims women or men are required by Islamic credo to obtain knowledge. It is 'wajib' just as prayers are 'wajib' for a Muslim. I don't want a man to poke around my private parts for God's sake. By shutting down institutions of learning for women they are doing a great backlash to the whole Islamic institution. Muhammad SAW is credited for being the first liberator of women in history. He equalized women with men not decapitated their heads for purposes of male dominance. What supposedly 'Muslim' men do not realize that by undermining their daughter's intellectual movement they are doing against Islam what was decreed in the first place. Intellect is what saves male children from stupidity when their carers (mostly mothers) are given firsthand intelligence. A good woman is an intelligent woman not a woman ridden with superstition and myth.

Posted by Lee at 12:00 am | Permalink | Comments

I was listening to Matisyahu, at first when my sister gave it to me I thought it was just another reggae love song then I realized it really was a love song to God. What makes it so difficult for people to dislike or disbelieve in God in the first place anyway? I don't understand how that works when the whole universe is so large and big, the process of evolution itself a million coincidences that is so chaotic. Its actually inconceivable. It is conceivable for a human being to see a sphere or a circle, or an infinite number, something that has no end and even no beginning. The concept of God it seems has been throughout the ages a sort of anthropomorphic proportions where God becomes humanized. When I think of God he becomes untouchable, (I use the term He here because It seems disrespectful and Her has been so feminized it sounds ridiculous no offence girls but after reading so many treatises of radical feminists im beginning to think its more of a male vs. female kinda thing then it becomes that women should be made more superior than men when all we want is equality) . Actually in Arabic and Malay there is a fourth person term we use, Dia, Ia, it is sexless, which conforms more to the expression of greatness. Whereas the term It is connotative of something downcast. Anyway, in my head, it seems that the God I worship is more universal and not just universal it transcends the train of thought as well as the bounds of material. God does not need a byway to communicate with (in my head anyway) This God needs to be unreachable. Even by human terms, it has to be some sort of Creator that could eat up the Universe. Made up by billions of stars and galaxies. A God that could even transcend aliens (if you believe in those anyway) Something that owns everything now that's a God. He must be Master of the Universe. Master of the Dead World. Master of well...everything. In Norse traditions the struggle between Gods are always apparent, and this modern Wicca author says that we create our own Gods, the author's name was Fiona Horne (if you want to read her books). And the author of the History of God, Karen Armstrong has also expressed the same view that God seems unreachable. For me, it is more of a spark of madness, even lostness and yes powerlessness. If he doesn't exist, what a shame to exist and what a shame that we concentrate our efforts on something as existing only. It is a shame for those who die without justice in this world and it is also a shame that we have done nothing to help them. If there is no God, humans clamour to exist for the now, and those who die far away on the ends of the earth, in pain, suffering. In that case there is no reason for man to exist anymore, even for the ruses of survival. We are man after all, and man has been endowed with brains who at always is in mistake, and always will be confused as to what we want. Abortion although legal in according to rules in Islam, would be more widespread, the female power of someone's life in their hands. Then I began to think, I understand that some women do not wish to be burdened by another human being (something I think is a bit selfish because even if it isn't for an unborn foetus, would we be able to show kindness to other children who need shelter and protection?) Actually, it isn't about the mother children thing I think it is more of a human to another human kind of helping thing. What has made us so blind as to not help other people in need? So far in medicine and science and still so few in the hands of existence that we ourselves cannot conceive. Medicine and science is still at its infancy and when looked closely at its treatments and solutions it seems butcher-like and rudimentary. Since as most atheists has observed that there is no God, medicine should be able to find a reversal for ageing. I told you it was rudimentary. Death is inevitable which makes life even more precious if there is no such thing as a God. When John Lennon sang Imagine he didn't think it through, man will always find a reason to kill another human being, most wars weren't even religious to begin with. Its more about Greed. The Crusades were also about Greed. Faith is secondary to Greed. He was right about the nothing to live for part. What's horrible is that we don't have the drive to help those who are dying and in need of our help as life is short and existence stops just there. In a Reader's Digest issue a few years ago, there was research showing CAT scans of those who were praying. And it has been conceived that we can experience God as much as I am typing these words. Being heartbroken is also real, amazingly the feeling of pain isn't fake, or a trick of the brain but conceived as real pain akin to a wound on the body. Muhammad SAW once said, there is cure for every ailment and illness on this earth except old age.

Posted by Lee at 6:39 pm | Permalink | Comments

Its 4 am in the morning. Sometimes it seems like such a wonderful thing to be complaining or at least nagging to someone. And at the most definitely feeling high and mighty about oneself. Which is stupid I know. I wish I was able to write a story, and most importantly when if I do I wish that I could end the story but most of the time the stories I write have difficulties when it ends. I just can't seem to be able to pin point exactly, the art of ending a story. I remember from a hallmark movie, The Arabian Nights when the story teller was telling Shahrazad that the first key to a story was to capture your audience. And that literature courses I took in university the past two semesters tells me that the beginning and the ending of a story is the crux that would create the illusion and the impression it would give the reader. The last word becomes the most important aspect of such a thing. I got an average mark of a C for this literature course and it was the highest mark in the course, I am attracted to literature for a long time. When I was fourteen I started writing these stories, they were very attractive because most of them came from the back of my head it was an unconcious touch.But they seem to have no purpose and most importantly they have no ends.
I want to tell a story. I want to tell a story about my family and all the problems that we are facing stem from a long ago past. But I don't want a cliche association. I want to write like mahfouz or ananta toer. I don't practice much I agree and that is where it probably lies the problem. I read a lot but I dont diffuse enough energy into writing and I lack trying. Have I missed the point in understanding literature?
Ive read a review about incestual relations in literature and one of those reviews attracted me because it was talking about this book I read when I was 13. It was the God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy. In the book it describes the twin touching the naked male twin. They were dizygotic twins but what surprised me is the indication in which the review was made, it was definitely off the point. In the East such things are not indicative of having incestual relations. They are natural and made without sexual intention. I kiss my children on the mouth but I heard that in the West it could be misconstrued as sexual abuse. How is the expression of love of a mother to a child limited in such a way. Its disgusting actually. I know there are many controversies regarding such a thing in the west. As what Easterners as well as tribal families regard as normal and not even the least bit sexual is regarded as Westerners as incorrigible. Such as the family bed. Im not sure if Michael Jackson rapes children but here in the East it is regarded as nothing but as a form of love. Incest does occur to people and sexual abuse does happen but not in proportions that are akin to Western values. Or I should say Western secular values. Nowadays in literature as well as the media Eastern values such as these expressions of love are beginning to turn into sexual proportions. What is regarded as non sexual and even normal are beginning to turn rapists on. But what causes it I know associations are one of the basic forms of human social interaction. We begin to associate something and they turn into as we learn and re-learn something sexual. A good indicator of it is what is desirable and not desirable during sexual relations. Pornography although a basis and the freedom of self expression for some, but for those who cannot handle it has become some sort of a learning association process. In Islam there is something known as Muhrim and Aurat/Aurah. Muhrim means those who we can have sexual relations with (within the dictates of marriage) and those who we cannot. A muhrim is a person a Muslim cannot have sexual relations with. This includes the normal associations of mother, daughter, etc. But we allow cousin marriages but it is also encouraged to marry further than one's own genes say from different races or family. A son cannot marry his father's ex-wife for example unless that woman has not had sexual relations with his father for a long long long long time. (LOL) Aurat means the body parts visible to those who are Muhrim. Closing the Aurat is for those who are not one's own Muhrim sure some women are secular it is a person's own choice to wear hijab (covering) or not. Personally wearing a hijab is not so bad, I started wearing it after I gave birth to my second child. I don't get dandruff, which is kind of odd, considering many scientists claim that the humidity could cause dandruff, but its not hot probably the other women are too heavily draped. Its a great protector from UV rays and my hair smells great, maybe its because i have really short hair. Back on track, a woman's aurat with her muhrim say a father or a father in law or an uncle, is from her belly button down to her knees. This means its not sinful to be barebreasted, the reason for this is ofcourse when a woman is hot or breastfeeding a child. Hey, breastfeeding, maybe western women should brestfeed more often in public so as to avoid it being a sexual object. Breasts shouldnt be something regarded as a sexual object, They're natural functioning things where food comes from. Its sad when women have to pull their breasts up, sideways, down, bigger smaller, perkier, harder, stronger. All the pain and suffering of breast implants. Muslim men are getting so Westernized that they want what the Western men want breasts the size of mountains so thick and hard they could kill you with a hit. Its horrible. What's nice to complain about is a Malay man. Ive heard awful stories about Malay men. They're so sexist its disgusting, they expect their wives and girlfriend to wait on them hand and foot. Hello, Muhammad SAW did his own cooking, washing and mending. God knows, when it comes to observing credos such as having four wives Malay men are quick to jump at it, but credos such as protecting the environment, being kind to those who are suffering, giving alms, being humble and praying they just simply throw it out of the door. Where do they get such high handedness? Ill tell you, from stupid Malay mothers and stupid Malay women thats where. Malay women are the worst in propagating horrible innuendos such as men being the almighty, its disgusting. God keeps mentioning in the Quran, men and women are equal, over and over again. But do you think Malay men listen? And they have the cheek to pit it side by side with Islam, trust me, its not true, what God says once was men are stronger than woman therefore they are the protectors and maintainers of women not better than women, NOTE: stronger. Biological wise they can keep their brawn. Im too lazy to carry heavy things anyway, thats what theyre there for. To carry the television set Im not as stupid to carry it myself.
There was this ad in Malaysia, Brunei watches Malaysian cable, about this oil called Franch oil, it helps get rid of stretch marks but the ad ran only once. it was for other benefits as well such as your back or something like that kind of like Tiger balm but in oil. The wife was serving the husband tea wearing a navel exposing tee and she had stretch marks then the husband gave a disgusted look and a vocal 'eee' an asian equivalent of yuck. It was such a stupid ad. whats wrong with having stretch marks anyway, I think of it as my war scars. At least im still alive after being gutted twice (and on my way to a third). That proves my point men are becoming intolerable as they urbanize. You know what, if they're so adept at complaining about female body parts maybe they should carry the kid better yet, why dont they just become gay. Im sure they have a lot in common, like loving their own species. Its biologically and evolutionarily true, men are prettier than women. According to legend, King Joseph, (Apostle Yusuf), The king of dreams was the most beautiful man on earth. When women looked at him they accidentally cut off their own fingers instead of their veggies. Ive never heard of a woman as legendary as that all I know is that those who have been claimed as beautiful such as Helen of Troy the men had ulterior motives in declaring war, it wasnt just for her sake. Cleopatra was ugly too. You would be if you were inbred repeatedly. The male peacock has their fan tails while the female peacock is just...brown. God has dressed women in drab colours, maybe God wanted us to be more like men instead. Margaret Mead's tribes where one of the tribes (who the men were originally head hunters actually) had such a role reversal, the women acted like men and were plain and shaven while the men wore adoring garb and had petty skirmishes like women. The truth is, women are being OVER-feminized. The blue robin is a male while the female is also...brown. Lions are prettier than lionesses. Any sex of animal, the male is prettier than the female. That also includes us humans. My husband doesnt need a facial his nose has got blackheads and i swear he's still more attractive than I am. i smell better than him with the help of all my creams and lotions, and i need copious amounts of moisturizer just to be pimple free. he only needs facewash. it takes women hard work to look good and men just minimally. I propose all women just abandon their efforts to look good. Whatever for? Just be clean. the most prettiest of women, if looked closely resemble men. Models especially, they have no breasts, their face is more angular like that of a man and they have thick eyelashes, something men are born naturally with. Men are attracted to...women who have a good amount of testosterone. Oh my kid is waking up

Posted by Lee at 4:13 am | Permalink | Comments